The Bastions of Shame
The Invisible Walls of Our Being
"Bastions of Shame" explores the raw and unfiltered depths of human emotion, diving into cycles of vulnerability, creation, and self-acceptance. A journey through shadows and light, it dismantles the invisible armor we wear and reclaims the beauty of simply being.
Like every article : i created a playlist to come along with this thematic of the article and a short somatic exercice to quickly release any presence of shame and as today is the new moon, I am extra-excited to share with you my very first New Moon in Aquarius Guided meditation
The Bastions of Shame
I often feel like I don’t belong in this world. And yet, I live in it.
There are days when the suffering I inevitably go through is unexplainable. It has no beginning, no end, no escape.
It emerges like a cold. And then, it settles in, comfortably, at ease.
Over time, I’ve learned to tame it, to whisper in its ear.
Sometimes, I spend entire days crying. I cry over the doubts that assail me. I cry for the suffering of this world. I cry for the hatred, the shame, and the constant guilt of never doing enough.
I cry for this energy that I sometimes don’t know what to do with, the energy I burn when it can no longer be contained.
It’s been a month since I joined this platform, which brings me joy and a uniquely creative space. And yet, I already feel the dull pressure, the mad race for performance:
How to succeed on Substack?
How to grow your audience?
Is this our only goal? Have we lost our ability to simply exist, without any other reason than being?
Are we still aware that breathing, every second, is an act of courage?
Today, doubt has filled me. This doubt reminds me of how different I am, how foreign the norms of this world feel to me, how impossible it is for me to conform.
Because I don’t understand this world.
What are we running after?
Why is it so hard to admit our love, our despair, our anger?
Why do I feel so much shame for enjoying life so easily?
I’ve been at home for weeks. Of course, I go out, but very little in the end.
I’ve ended up embracing the hermit lifestyle. At first, it was to cut myself off from a world that takes so much without ever really giving back.
And then, I ended up truly confronting my greatest fear: sitting with myself. For hours. For days.
What do we hide behind our masks? Behind our identities? Behind our ever-more restrictive labels?
The list of mental illnesses grows as much as the list of our sexual or political preferences.
We label ourselves, divide ourselves, endlessly and relentlessly.
Today, I doubt. Everything and everyone.
On these days, I no longer know what’s real or imagined.
Are the visions I receive illusions I drown in?
One day, I write fifty pages of a book, and the next day, I start another.
I write five deep articles but never share them.
I sing. I can read you in seconds. All it takes is for me to dive into your eyes.
And yet, in this world, I am nothing.
I don’t make money.
I am not someone.
But in my own world, I want to whisper with you its wonderful melody. How much I laugh with myself.
I love my own presence.
I love crying for hours and then suddenly laughing endlessly.
I love feeling the tiniest changes in sound and in energy.
I love singing and sitting still.
I love talking to myself, confronting myself, looking at myself with no filters.
Today, I feel shame.
Shame for this vital energy coursing through my body.
Shame for stopping myself from feeling pleasure to contain it, and reliving a thousand times the rape by not resisting quick and painful masturbation.
Shame for having two thousand ideas running through my mind, knowing I have the capacity to create them all.
How, after all this time, have I still not mastered myself, not found a way to feel good without guilt?
I recently noticed that every time I gave in to this unhealthy and lonely pleasure, I had to wash myself. As if cleansing my sins.
Why am I responsible for carrying the shame I endure simply for being born the way I am?
Loud, alive, full of joy and desire.
Today, I’m writing on the floor. I sit in front of a mirror I look at constantly.
I want to see myself in my creative space, in my chaotic, neurotic disorganization.
I want to look at myself and smile, to give myself the softness and tenderness I’ve never received.
The kind I’ve dreamed of forever but don’t know how to accept.
This shame is my invisible armor. It protects me as much as it imprisons me.
To strip myself bare is a daily task: removing each garment of shame, thanking it for the protection it gave me, honoring it for the light it cast on my shadows.
I know it: these garments of shame are worn by so many women, so many beings.
I am not just “someone.” I am a woman, a mother. I am someone who feels, someone who creates, someone who dares to ask the questions others shy away from.
That, in itself, is extraordinary. And today, I want to share my desires.
My creative madness knows no bounds.
I will continue to draw jealousy, rejection, envy, admiration and love toward me.
But I don’t care about your rules. I don’t care about your "what-will-they-say" “how-will-i-look”
I will take my time. I will create my own path. I will become my own category.
And so, when I must fight these dark days, I’ll continue to make those lists:
The love I feel for my son, true.
The pride I feel when I see all I’ve overcome, true.
What I felt when I met him, true.
The peace I feel when I’m on the land, true.
The madness that drives me when I create, true.
The love that exists in my heart, true.
The excitement I feel when I dive into the ocean, true.
The vibrations I feel when I sing, true.
My need for solitude to recharge, true.
The power of my connection to nature, true.
My ability to see and feel the essence of others, true.
My deep and clear intuition, true.
My infinite creative potential, true.
My need to conform, false.
My fear of never being enough, false.
My fear of never being loved, false.
My inability to be alone, false.
My need to see people to exist, false.
My obligation to do in order to be, false.
My obligation to conform to societal norms, false.
The belief that I must be perfect to be loved, false.
The idea that my light is too intense to be accepted, false.
The fear that my vulnerability makes me weak, false.
The shame of my energy, my desires, my ideas, false.
As I give birth to this text, a question kidnaps my soul:
Do you think it’s enough?
I’ll leave it open. So you can answer it for yourself.
I give you the space to feel the unease that grows. The fear of never doing enough. And the courage to simply enjoy this moment for what it is.
For me, the moment has already passed.
It’s time to prepare a delicious chai and go out to enjoy the sun. My shadow has taken enough space; let’s move and dance, I am light again.
The key difference between guilt and shame lies in what they focus on:
Guilt:
Focuses on behavior: “I did something bad.”
It’s tied to an action or decision that feels misaligned with your values.
Guilt can often be constructive—it pushes you to take responsibility or make amends.
Shame:
Focuses on the self: “I am bad.”
It’s tied to your sense of identity, making you feel unworthy or fundamentally flawed.
Shame is often destructive—it can lead to isolation and self-criticism.
In essence: Guilt says, “I made a mistake.” Shame says, “I am a mistake.”
So now let’s shake them both
Somatic Exercise: Dancing Through Shame
Duration: 5-10 minutes
Create Your Space
Find a quiet, safe space where you can move freely. Dim the lights if it helps you feel more comfortable.Ground Yourself
Stand with your feet hip-width apart.
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, feeling your feet firmly on the ground.
Place one hand on your heart and one on your belly. Whisper to yourself: "I am safe. I am here. I am whole."
Begin with the Body
Start with small, gentle movements: sway side to side, roll your shoulders, or gently shake your hands. Let the movements feel soft and intuitive.
As you move, inhale deeply and exhale with sound—release any tightness you feel in your chest, throat, or belly.
Invite the Shame to Speak
Imagine the feeling of shame in your body. Where is it? Your chest? Stomach? Shoulders?
Let the movement flow from that part of your body. If shame feels heavy in your chest, let your chest lead the motion. If it feels tight in your hands, shake them out.
Free the Energy
Turn on music that resonates with how you feel—something rhythmic or raw, whatever matches the energy.
Let your body move however it wants, without judgment. Stomp, sway, spin, or shake—this is your space to let the energy flow and release. If you feel like it, scream.
Close with Stillness
Gradually slow your movements until you’re standing still. Place both hands on your heart and take three deep breaths.
Whisper: "I am enough. I release what no longer serves me. I am free."
Optional Integration
If it feels right, write down any thoughts, emotions, or images that came up during the exercise.
Maybe you don't belong here. Many of us don't. Where do you think you do belong? Do you remember another place?
Perhaps this will give you a new perspective: https://shivsengupta.substack.com/p/be-what-you-are